Friend or Familiar: 10 Things to Consider

By Alecia Swoope

Memories, significance, and nostalgia are attached to spaces, places, and people. Why is this? Simple answer, they are familiar. Their presence is consistent in your story.

I remember as a child, if my mother opened the refrigerator and smelled anything less than pleasant, there was a full investigation to find the source of the smell, followed by an aggressive elimination process. Allowing foul smells to linger was not an option so the issue required immediate attention and correction. My mother understood that the longer you allow something to linger, the risk of growth and toxicity increases. Those foul smells from the refrigerator were familiar -- a sign that something went bad -- but they weren't friends we wanted to keep around. When we choose to remain in familiarity, we tend to normalize potentially harmful and unhealthy things. We choose to ignore our senses, which function to sound the alarm and act as a safety mechanism.

Take a moment and reflect on a home you have visited throughout your life. You can see the placement of each object and even recognize the scent that greets you as you enter. Perhaps that aroma is connected to memories that may be good, bad, or indifferent. Either way, there is a connection that is easily recognizable.

Familiarity says “that’s just the way it is,” and allows us to linger and remain comfortable. The longer you remain in the room, the less noticeable the odor is. Wisdom asks provoking questions and takes a deeper probe to seek greater knowledge. “What is that odor? Why is it so persistent? How can I get rid of it?”

We can apply this same principle to people and relationships. What people exist in your space that have been there as long as you can remember that, although present, need reassessment? Complacency is easy, but also a distraction from evolution. As people of comfort, when we find a routine or safe place -- familiarity -- we cozy down and numb out. But we can’t have our relationships become routines. Reassessing relationships that don’t seem threatening can seem extreme and harsh, but it’s necessary.

A recent experience led to me reevaluating what I was looking for in a friend and considering the difference between a friend and familiar. I had to determine what I was looking for and what I needed. What each of us looks for and needs in friendship varies, but I went to work and determined that the following 10 things were the most important:

Similar values & life principles: Some commonality in the things that are important to us, how we spend our time, and the investments we make.
Encouragement: The ability to inspire, celebrate, and lift one another up – particularly in difficult times.
Support: The ability to show love and extend healthy assistance even during disagreements
Enjoyment: Laughter, the ability to be light-hearted and cheerful. Experiencing joy together.
Mutual respect & honor: Esteem of the person above the circumstance. The ability to consider and show the worth of the intangible aspects of a person (eg. their heart, mind, and soul)
Trustworthiness & emotional maturity: Never fearing that the sensitive and vulnerable parts of a person and their experience will be misused or treated casually.
Love: The unconditional, highest regard and treatment of a person.
Loyalty: Unwavering commitment and the ability to continually choose each other over all else.
Connection: Consistent interest and presence in the regular happenings of each other’s lives.
Depth: A connection that is broad and meaningful to both persons.

The thing to remember is that as people evolve, so will our relationships with them. Friendship should be a safe space to be fully known, fully loved, and consistently chosen. Change is always uncomfortable but necessary if we seek to experience progress. As you are in a space of evaluation, exercise wisdom. We are daily bombarded with messages that encourage premature cancellation of people, places, and things. Be sure to consider as many factors as possible. A few measures to use are capacity, maturity, and commitment. Does the person have the capacity and maturity to be what you need, and are they committed enough to do the necessary work?

We get to define what friendship looks like in our lives. Life was not created to be lived alone – friendship is important, valuable, and serves a purpose. Choose your tribe wisely. If you never got to choose, now is the time. Don’t settle for familiarity when you can have a friend!

Alecia Swoope is a writer and speaker who’s passionate about teaching and supporting people to be their best self. Stay connected with her on IG @msans7 and Facebook by name.